Being a Vulnerable Man – it’s easy

I really like this idea of reflecting on being what it means to be vulnerable? I think being vulnerable means letting it all hang out. Can I leave it at that? Probably not! Being vulnerable means being exactly who you are and sharing yourself with others. It means letting people see your emotions. I am a Mama’s Boy ( I’m going to call her after this post ) and I wear that like a badge. I have been sensitive all my life and the choices that I have made have made me vulnerable.

My family and I have always traveled “The Road Less Traveled”. My mom was vulnerable when she decided it was better to be a single parent then to subject me to an unhealthy household. I was called a “wimp” because I was a mama’s boy, and spent weekends going to the movies with my mom instead of my high school friends. My choice and I was teased for it. When I decided to go to FSU and join a predominantly white fraternity, my friends were going to Historically Black Colleges and joining “Black” fraternities and they never failed to let me know I was a “Sellout”.

I’m a father now, and my values I have and the experiences I share about my childhood make me vulnerable. When I share my hardships with my wife and kids, it makes me vulnerable because I’m letting them see the real Ed. When you share the real you, you become vulnerable because you give others the chance to make a judgement call of who you are. I don’t think being vulnerable is bad, but there is a balance that is hard to obtain. I want my sons to be sensitive, but I don’t want them to have the hardships I had. I try to teach them that it’s ok for a man to cry, it’s ok for a man to hug each other, it’s ok for a man to say I love you, and it’s ok for a man to say I need help. These are all things that makes me and any man vulnerable to the stereotypes of what a REAL man is.

It’s easy to be vulnerable, but it’s not easy to handle all the pain that can come along with it. If you are able to find that balance of being vulnerable because you want to be who you were meant to be, you have found something that many never find.

Brought to you by The Word For November: Vulnerability

Bringing Sexy Back

So here I go again, sharing something that has been a part of me for almost 2 years. Eight years ago I wanted to see if I could workout everyday for a year, two years later I was still working out. It became a part of me and something that I looked forward to everyday. I even fell asleep one night and woke up at 2 o’clock in the morning because I had forgotten to workout. Well when my first son was born I stopped working out daily, I still blame him and he takes it’s funny . . which it is! Anyhoo a year and a half ago my boy @PassionMD was doing the 365 tweet picture thing where you tweet a picture everyday for 365 days. So I challenged him to do #365workout with me, and thus the concept was born .

why I love it
I love #365workout because it has become who I am. I think about doing something for my body everyday. I might not be the healthiest person alive or Mr. Muscle man, but I do know that it has been great for me. I know I feel better when I excercise and I also know that even if I do something small like crunches it gives me something to shoot for each day. It has changed my mindset and thus I love trying to figure out what I’m going to do so I don’t get bored. I have done tae-bo, Tai-Chi, Zamba and belly dancing ( now that was funny ) to mix it up a lil. I also love the connections I made with my tweeps. Doing it with my twitter friends made it better, cause I looked forward to seeing what my tweeps were doing and not to mention, I felt bad if I was posting to many easy days.

what you need to do
You need to make a committment to workout everyday for 365 days. “But everyone knows your muscles need to rest” This isn’t about just your body, #365workout is about changing your mind. You don’t have to do 30 minute cardio or a hour of heavy lifting. It’ about getting in to a mental pattern. I have what I call “Easy Days” and “Workin Days”. My “Easy Days” are days I don’t physical feel like working out, so take from my easy list, crunches, stretching or push-ups. These are to mentally keeping me in the flow of thinking about my body. I try not to have more than 2 or 3 easy days in a row. My “Workin Days” are days that I work in chores or family time. Mowing the yard, raking leaves, playing soccer or some physical activity with Da Boys! “Easy Days” and “Workin Days” help break up the notion that exercise has to be organized, planned and can’t evole the family!

So that’s it can you do it? Can you commit to 1 year, 6 months! Make it a habit with 30 days straight. You will never look back!

We Exist Because We Connect

WOW!! That’s all I have to say! If I have said it once I have said it a thousand times . . . “We Just Want to Connect”. Yes we all want to be loved but I believe that it may go deeper than that. It’s about connecting to others in anyway, form, or fashion. We feel alive when we connect to others. Whether it is connecting by tragedy, circumstances, or a chance meeting; we exist because we connect.

I find myself reflecting on the many paths that I have crossed through social media. It started out as a way to connect with programmers that could help me find the answers, and I have several tweeps that have answered that call at 3 o’clock in the morning. It moved to being sad and depressed and knowing that people I didn’t know would send me inspiration. I have found strength through my tweeter family. From giving up soda, to finding my ideal shape, I have connect to others. Even in my darkest days ( when my Uncle passed ) it was my tweeter family who tweeted with me as I drove 10 hours. They prayed for me, helped me reflect and even made me laugh when I almost hijacked a Wal-mart truck, cause I left my underwear in the driveway 5 hours from home. ( that’s a whole ‘nother post )

People reach out anyway they can. Some do it by making headlines in the worst possible way, others by small acts of kindness. When people say, “Twitter makes no sense, why would people care what I’m doing”, I say there is someone out there that is probably doing or thinking the same think you are. That is what connects us, that is what makes us realize that there’s others out there like us.

How do we connect? We throw out an idea or an action or a thought hoping that someone will connect with our statement and either give support or get inspired. I know many times I have said something on twitter to find out that 10 others felt the same way at the same time. Wow, does that mean we are more alike than we are different. You mean Joe Schmoe, five states over who on paper appears to be my polar opposite is worried about the economy, health care, and being a good father, too. When you break down the walls of our personal stereotypes and our personal fears, and focus on connecting with the human spirit amazing things happen. We learn, We love, WE CARE!

Enjoy Da Journey: Aha – “Take On Me”

I said I was going to start blogging more and I’m actually 2 for 2 in weeks! Yea for me . . . anyhooo. The “Enjoy Da Journey” post is one of those “aha” moments post! ( Not the “Take on Me” moment , but the “Hey stupid pay attention” moment ) So last week it took a 6 year old to remind me of what is really important. Since I told him I cried during my run, now he asks me after every run, “Did you read my letter” and “Did you cry again”. Well this time I didn’t cry, but it was just as emotional.

This week our training group did a half-marathon race simulation. We had numbers, had to sign up, and there were even volunteers. It was all pretty impressive. For some reason, I was nervous about it for a couple of days. I know one reason was because I had been pretty sore all week and wasn’t sure if I would have it in me to do 13.1 miles. I also think it was that I had made friends in the group, and running a race with people you don’t know, you aren’t afraid to look stupid. One of my friends reminded me that the real race was in 3 weeks so why kill ourself now. DUH! So I enjoyed the journey. I took a nice slow pace, and was singing to my Drake playlist. Now mind you I had the music so loud I didn’t know I was really singing loudly until the run/walk group kept passing me laughing. Beth ( one of my new friends ) would pass me and start singing, it was pretty funny, then when I would pass her she would remind me of the last song I was singing. After mile 7 I decided that I had had enough and I would try the run/walk! It was SO COOL! After putting aside Macho Ed and realizing they had the same pace run/walking as I did running I was able to enjoy more of the run and I was in less pain. Another “aha” moment!

Why do we have a hard time with living in the moment? What has caused us to forget that the journey is just if not more important than any other part of a event. There will always be stops along the way, but they still make up life as a whole. I gotta get back to judging myself by the process and no the end result. I know it’s not easy but I want my sons to enjoy the journey, to embrace the process and realize that you learn and grow through the journey. I would rather for them to do their best and enjoy the process and get a “C” out of it then to half – ass it and get an “A” just off their talents or luck. Bottom line, we have to make the journey so we might as well enjoy it.

At the end of the day, can you say you “I enjoyed the journey”

“Will Work for Emotional Help!”

If you have known me for more than 5 minutes you know that I suck at asking for emotional help.  I’ve never been good at ask for what I need, and like many I’m not sure I could even tell when I need help. I was taught at a young age, “Don’t let the world know your pain”  I always listen to my friends problems but I never feel like anyone would care or be interested in my problems.  So usually I even chicken out when I ask for help . . SORRY MO!  @FitInMyHeart is always there for me, she’s the kind of person that with a caring heart.  I have promised to call her several times, but every time I think about dialing, I say to myself why would she want to here my problems. Not logical but it’s still MY reality.  I have to figure out how to teach my that it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, which leads me to my sons.

I have been struggling emotionally lately, and I have been holding it in and not asked anyone for help.  My 6yo still knows me better than anyone and lately has noticed that something isn’t right with Dad.  He can look at my face and tell you exactly what I’m thinking and I think we have always have had that connection.  Well, I had a 12 mile run Sunday, and I made the mistake of telling him I was a little worried about it.  He woke up early and made me a note, and if you know my son he does nothing simple.  He made a note and folded it so that when I open it I would see three different messages.  He told me to open it when I got tired.

I have been struggling with a lot of things lately and running has been my only saving grace.  As I started the run, I wasn’t really feeling it.  Usually I can block out life when I run, but for the first 4 miles I was feeling sorry for myself.  My brain was replying the last couple of weeks.  If it was a negative person, place, or noun I visited it.  I decided to open my son’s letter, I figure his “I love you” and picture would cheer me up.  I pulled it out, and the first fold said “I Love You”, that made me smile.  Fully opened and to my surprise he had written, “Your sons are counting on you”  I get choked up typing this, which is nothing to the water works I got will I was running.  I cried for a half-mile.

He brought me back to reality and the fact that my life isn’t my life.  My 6 year old constantly amazing me cause he knows me so well.  Being healthy is important, and I know I need to be there physically, mentally, and emotionally for my sons. They are “Counting” on me to help to become men.  How can I quit with pressure like that!  If I don’t get my head on straight, I will let my sons down.  Giving up on life is not a option, because there’s so much I want to give and get from my sons.  There’s so much my Dad missed in my life and I don’t want to miss those special times with my boys.  As a parent we have to realize that the joy, the love, the good times, the bad times, and everything in between is a blessing.  I have been blessed to know great fathers on Twitter, and I hope we always share our experience to remind us that, “We get out of Fatherhood, twice as much as we give out”

I Never Believed This Was Possible – But Now I Do

“How amazing and emotional being a father can be. There is no way to describe the joy you get from being a father.”

Today I was sent pictures from my son’s 6 1/2 Birthday party.  I know 6 1/2 . . . long story.  Anyway, while looking at the pictures it reminded me of the wonderful things I from being a father.  I get to share in the joy of my sons. and I get to share in the development of someone that hopefully becomes a better person than I am.

When I found out I was going to be a dad, I said I wanted to be a better father then my dad.  I said I want to give my son, all the love I got from my father, and all the security I didn’t.  So I created my own person statement that I strive to live and I said it to my first son when he was only a couple of days old.

“I want to be the kind of father that stands BEHIND you when you need help, stands BESIDE you when you need encouragement, and stands IN FRONT of you when need protection.”

I realized during the birthday party, that I need my sons just as much as they need me.  When my six year old gave his crying friend his own balloon, because his friend lost his, it touched my heart that I’m helping him find compassion.  When my 2 year got overwhelmed and starting calling for Daddy and needed me to hold him away from the crowd, I knew I was teaching him that he can find safety in my arms.  I know this sounds sappy, but both of those moments made me feel needed.  It’s not always easy being a father, you have to find balance between being tough and “manly” while at the same time letting your kids know it’s ok to cry, show emotions, and be affectionate.

When I left the party, to go back to work, my kids hugged and kissed and said they were going to miss me.  That touched my heart, it made me think about what my dad missed out on, and what fathers who don’t take the time out to know their kids miss out on in life.  My mom was always there for me when I was a kid, but I could have used that strong male figure when I was growing up.  I know someday it won’t be cool to hug on daddy or tell daddy you love or miss him, but for now, I’m eating it up.    For now I will look at the pictures, and remember the sounds, and recall each hug . . . and know that I may not give my kids everything they want, but by God I will give them everything I can and along the way, they will make me a better person.

Music as Therapy

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of weeks. The only constant high I have had has been yoga and music. Music has been my therapy or as Kei$ha would say, “My Drug”. Today I have spend hours with my thoughts and music.

Finding my happy place has been hard over the last several months, and I hate that I can’t find the enter child in me. Music keeps me grounded, even when I listen to sad songs it makes me feel alive. When I’m running and it’s me and my pain, singing out loud seems to wash the pain away.

Feeling Good
What was the last great song that took you back to another time? “So Amazing” by Luther Vandross takes me back every time I hear it. I remember dancing with my wife in our small apartment and being thankful for everything. It also takes me back to when Da Boy was Da Infant. I would just hold him late at night, put “So Amazing” on repeat, and just think about how amazing it was to be a father. Sometimes I forget that it’s a blessing and a privilege to be a father.

What’s your “Feel Good” song? Where does it take you?

Deep Thoughts
The best lyrics are those that make you think. Even if the songs bring up old memories it’s good to revisit those dark places to make you remember how far you have come. One of those songs for me is “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing” by Shania Twain (BTW, she is SO HOT).

Anyway, I use to play this song when I was on the treadmill before my first kid was born. I would get in this quiet mood and my wife and I would call it, “having a moment”. “I see Shania was in the CD player were you having a moment?” , I hated when she would catch me. That song reminds me of 6 months of darkness when I didn’t think I would have unconditional love, I thought I would be alone, or in empty relationships. The beginning reminds me of every unhealthy relationships that I had in the past.

I’m doing fine now that I finally moved on/it’s not so bad/I’m not that sad
I’m not surprised just how well I survived / I’m over the worst and I feel so alive
It only hurts when I’m breathing / my heart only breaks when it’s beating

Sadness can be a good thing. I listen to this song so I can feel the pain that I had so that I can realize that the pain I have now isn’t so bad. Pain and suffering is relative. In your darkest times, it’s hard to think that you have survived worst. God knows I have.

What’s your “Deep” song? We all have a “Deep” song that pulls up the most painful moments of our life. Reliving that pain strengths me, and helps me. I have to remember that I am extremely blessed, and I sometimes lose sight of that because I allow the everyday things to get me down.

As I get ready to drive home, tonight, I think about how easy it will be to focus on the bad parts of my day, but I’m making a pledge to leave it all behind today, and enjoy my family.

One of my tweeps . . . once said,

“My job does not define me. The house or the cars I drive do not define me. My children define me. They speak to the woman I am. They tell you in their actions what kind of woman I am. . . . I leave my mark in the world through my children” – @slorunnermom

p.s. I’m having a moment now!

25 Random Things about Da Man

1. I was once in a “Gun Control Video” I ab libed the line, “You look so good I want to put you on a plate and soop you up with a bisket” < it’s from “Coming to America” >
2. I sang “Two Shillotes” a Fiji song on the top of the Effel tower so I could do it again, when my wife and I get to go together one day.
3. I forgot my student id, so I sang the FSU fight song at disney to get a student discount.  The entire line cheered!
4. Music is my passion, all types. I have seen Boys II Men, Shania Twain, Alabama, Al B. Sure, New Edition, Elton John, Kenny Chesney, Luther Vandroff, Lupe Fusico, Rihanna, N.E.R.D, and Kanye West in concert.
5. When I was 3 I went to disney and asked Mickey Mouse if he had my phone number.  I had just learned it so I gave it too him and told him to call me. HE NEVER CALLED.  #therapy
6. Roger was my mom’s  imaginary son when I was a kid.  My mom made him up, to remind me what good boys do. Although I knew she was joking, it worked.
7. I was stung in the head by a nest of yellow jackets when I was 10.
8. My favorite movie is “When Harry Met Sally” I have seen it 12 times.
9. I used to DJ in college and I have always wanted to own my own Dance Club.
10. A field of Dandlions is my happy place. When stressed, I close my eyes and visit the place in Switzerland that I went too on my 30th birthday.
11. I love Unicorns.  My Freshman year, I used to have posters of Unicorns and Apallonia 6 on my walls.  FYI:  I had no girlfriend my Freshman year.
12. I love romance! I’ve had Candle Light Picnics, drove an hour and a half late night surprise delivery of meds and flowers, and surprised serenaded my wife at our wedding reception.
13. On a crusie I was mistaken for Eddie Lovett the Reggae music star and was bought a shot of  . . . heck only God knows.
14. One year I invited a good friend to formal, then I found out that the girl I like was interested in me.  So I tired to get my Fraternity Lil Bro to take her so I wouldn’t hurt my friends feelings.  Don’t Judge, THIS GIRL WAS HOT!!! I still remember her name!
15. I had perfect attendence from 9th through 12th grade!
16. When I was 7 I had to go to bed at 7:00 pm o’clock on School and Church nights.  So Fridays I could stay up as long as I wanted too.  For one whole year, I would stay up all night watching TV and refused go to bed.
17. I’m an only child, and by gosh I am not spoiled.
18. I have two tattoos.  A cross on my chest and my fraternity letters on my ankle.  And no I was not drunk either time.
19. I didn’t drink until I was 21, of course I made up for it.  Got the spins on my 21st birthday and haven’t looked back.
20. I ran a 5k, 8k and half Marathon all in one year.
21. If I had one wish, it would be for world peace, or a man cave with a 73 inch big screen TV with a PS3 and all of the Wii Hero and Rock Star games.
22. I am horrified of mold, maggots, and brussel sprouts.
23. I was born with a slightly curved pinky, my 5 year old has one too.
24. Once I spent all day site seeing with my best friend, then we spent 10 hours on a plane from Amsterdam to Miami, went out to eat when we landed,  then partied for 5 hours in South Beach, and then I passed out on a hour an a half plane ride home.
25. I completed the “Century Club” [ shot of beer every min for 100 mins ] in college and hurled foam at each of the four breaks.  I passed out on my water bed and forgot to turn on the heater.  My ( soon to be ) girlfriend and I frozen our ARSE off, it was a second date. I MISS COLLEGE . . good times <insert NPR voice>

Da Democrats Vs Republicans Theory of Relationships

I had one of my tweeps ask me a relationship question, that made me thing.  Between being a Mama’s boy, having 95% of my friends females . . . I have some cool insights on relationships.  So after rolling this question around in my head, I thought I would share my theory.  Most relation relationships fall apart because of change, DUH.  Whether it’s about, money, sex, attention, or the toilet seat being left up, it’s all about change.

Are you smoking crack?  No I’m not . . . let’s look at it from the point of Democrats  versus Republicans.  I think most of us ( intelligent people ) can agree that we all want to be happy in some crazy way.  No matter who we identify ourselves with Democrats or Republicans we want to be happy and successful.  I believe most of us in relationships want to be happy and successful, although we may have different was of measuring it.

Thinking vs Doing

Like our Democratic party one person is all about thinking and discussing.  One person wants to talk about the issues and the problems before making a decision.  They are the “Thinkers” in the relationship, which is good for processing, but can be painful for a do “Doer”.  Like our Republic party one person is about doing, they may or may not think about the issues or problems they are eager to get started fixing the problem.  The “Doer” is good at getting stuff done,  but can be frustrating to a “Thinker”.  Both parties want to solve the problem, but in different ways.  The “Doer” jumps in and gets things done, whether it’s a sound decision or not.  The “Thinker” discusses the problem to death so it may or may not ever get done.  We can switch parties depending on the situation, but usually we are loyal to our party.

“I Can Change You” vs “I Hope You Don’t Change”

Now the biggest issue for the Political Relationship how we see the importance of change.  We have the Democrats “Yes, We Can” and the Republicans “No, We Shouldn’t”.  Whether there should be change in the relationship isn’t the problem it’s usually the reaction that causes the problem.  Not to be sexist, but usually the female is the Democrat and the male is the Republican.  This works for same sex relationships, it’s not gender based, but based on the how one identifies themselves.  I have found that the Democrat thinks they can change everything for the better, while the Republican hopes things don’t change at all.  One person hopes the other person doesn’t change ( Please, don’t change ), while the other person hopes the other person will change ( I can fix them ).  One person sees the potential of the person, “With my help, they can be a better person”.  The other person likes what they see, “I like what I see, don’t change”. Change is going to happen, trouble happens when both parties realize that the change has actually happened.

It’s Hard Work

Relationships are HARD!  Dr Phil says, “Do you want to be right or happy”.  We all have to pick one .  Change is going to happen, we just have to figure out how we are going to deal with it.  Am I going to be OK if I can’t change my sig other?  Am I going to love my sig other even if they change.  Can we going to change together?

We can only control our change and how we deal with the other persons change.  No matter how much you love someone that doesn’t mean you are meant to be together forever, unless you are willing to work at it.  Love doesn’t conquer all, love and hard work conquers all.

Da Biggest Loser, not

As week three of Da Lovett 60 comes to a sliding halt, I’m feeling good and staying positive.  I have met my basic goal of losing weight, eating better, and being active everyday.  Since I’m an extremely competitive guy even with myself, it has taken all of my energy to keep from totally being upset with my goals.

Losing in wk 3

Concentrating on the fact that I have lost 5 points in 3 weeks is a good accomplishment for me.  I am trying to stay positive.  I been soda free for three weeks and I have punched the craving for fried food in the stomach.  Of course like many of use I take on more than I can chew and I might need to rethink the amount of goals I have to set to become a healthier  me.  Knowing that I have lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks makes me feel like a winner.  But not all of use can feel like winners . . ( good transition huh ) that takes me to “The Biggest Loser”.  I watched last week and enjoyed seeing them lose weight and change their lives, but it really made me think about this whole motivation thing.

Proud of my Tweeps

As I watched “The Biggest Loser”, I couldn’t help but think about all my tweeps that have either started their own weight lost plan or are doing the MO60.  It made me feel good to know people that are self-motivated.  Yes, it’s awesome that you lost 20lbs on the show, but I think it’s that person that lost 3lbs, with no trainer, no $$$ reward, and T.V. exposure that I want to say Way To Go.  I feel bless to know ( as much as you can know someone on twitter ) people that are waking up each day and making a conscience decision to get healthy, without the glory and glamor.Some of these people are doing it with only the support of their twitter friends, in which many have and will never meet.  So to them I say kudos, my friend!

So here’s to all my Loser friends ( I mean that in a good weight loss way, no nasty comments, I’ll cry )

Here’s to those tweeps that are truly “Da Biggest Losers” and who support me and each other everyday!

This is where the marching band comes in playing “Glory, Glory, Hallelujah” and I rip off me shirt to display the tattoo of “Good Bless America” on my chest.